3 years ago I could never have imagined where we would be tonight. The thought seemed unfathomable to me.
We had spent the better part of our 4 1/2 year marriage struggling with unexplained infertility. 4 years of a constant no when we would take monthly pregnancy tests, 4 years of people telling us it would happen in God’s time. 4 years of bitterness and anger growing inside my soul while I sought God’s wisdom. 4 years of tears. 4 years of feeling like I was failing at life. January 2012 we did two things that would forever change our lives: we began the process to obtain our foster license as well as we had an IUI performed. Both of these things that would forever change our lives.
We received our very first positive pregnant test on Valentine’s Day of 2012 and March 2012 our fostering license was approved and we were placed with two six month old twins. The years of bitterness and questioning finally all started to make sense. My heart was healing and my bitterness was a distant memory.
After I had my c-section with A in 2012 I felt this overwhelming feeling of grief. In my simple way of not seeing the big picture I never thought I would ever be able to conceive again. A was and is my miracle baby. I felt grief that I had to have a c-section and sad that I would never experience birth the way I wanted to experience birth.
A and the twins grew over the next year and our hearts began longing for another child. A longing that we assumed would mean another foster child OR more fertility treatments. When A was barely 3 months old, we decided the following summer, June of 2014, would be the moment that we would accept another child into our home and we would begin the process for having more fertility treatments.
Very few people know that we began trying for another child when A was six months old (April 2013) and we took a pregnancy test(s) every month. Every month that pregnancy test was a negative. I ignored the questioning from people asking if we would have another child–even from people who know our story. I was disturbed people would have the audacity to ask a question when they knew how long it took for us to have A. I knew we would have another child, I just didn’t know how that child would come into our home.
On Valentine’s Day 2014 we took another pregnancy test and it was positive, it turned out no fertility treatment was necessary. I was terrified and beyond excited.
September 2014 we went to court where the parental rights of the twin’s biological parents were terminated. It would only be a matter of time before they would officially be a part of our family.
J was born in October of 2014 and it was that birth that we both had always wanted and dreamed of with him being born at home. It was an amazing experience to know what my body was capable of doing.
December 2014 is when we officially adopted the twins. We had officially added 3 new members to our family in a matter of seven weeks. Our family felt complete.
My family still feels complete. I have 4 kids under 4, my house is a nutty place. I am an overwhelmed and exhausted mother of 4 children.
So what does all that have to do with the email we sent today? Everything.
I knew since I was a little girl that I would adopt. It was something I dreamed of doing and am so blessed to have had the opportunity. Fostering became something we were called to do with our lives.
Tonight after much consideration and heartache we have decided not to renew our fostering license. We need a break, probably for a few years. My life is so chaotic and I honestly don’t believe we would be able to focus on the demanding needs of a foster child.
H bug is a difficult child with many issues that we are working through nearly 3 years later. I have 4 children that need my attention and my love. I have 4 children who deserve for me to focus on them right now. My heart aches that tonight a child may not be placed in a foster home and may be sent to a children’s home because we are deciding not to foster anymore. My heart aches and prays for these children. I also know that it wouldn’t be fair to that child to come into our home where I would be unable to give them the full attention needed.
I know my family isn’t done with fostering forever. We are done right now and my heart aches for that decision. I know it is the right choice yet tears run down my cheeks.
Did we really just send that email?