How do you prepare your heart?

As a foster mother, I know, the ultimate goal is for family reunification. Sometimes this goal stinks and hurts my heart.

I have been a part of a family reunification before and it was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! The joy on the children’s and their caretaker was something I will probably never forget. This is what is suppose to happen. This is what doing your job is suppose to be like and feel like. But how do you prepare your heart?

This is the second time we have had custody of our twins. I don’t know what it will be like if we ever have to give them back. Actually I do, I will be heartbroken–I’m just not sure how heartbroken. I am not quite sure how I will be able to do this…last time we knew we would still be able to see them. If they go back to their biological parents we may never be able to see them. This means I will never be able to wipe away their tears, hug them, love them, and simply be there for them. My heart breaks just at that mere thought.

I may have never given birth to these precious babies but I love them the same way I love my baby girl. Is this right? Is this smart? Will this prepare me?

Probably not.

Probably should of guarded my heart more. But, how could I have done this? How could I not love them–they are just so lovable.

I think this is the biggest burden on a foster parent’s heart–the thought of giving a child back when they have been in your custody for so long. These precious and precocious toddlers will forever have a piece of my heart.

They aren’t close to going back and they still someday may be put up for adoption. I think what I fear the most is the unknown.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

What a common verse to be quoted and used. One of my favorite praise and worship songs is taken from this verse: You Never Let Go by Matt Redman.

God has a plan–sometimes I have to repeat this to myself continuously. Before we became pregnant and became foster parents it was something I had to find ways to believe in.

I have no idea if we will adopt the twins. I have no idea if we will be able to adopt any foster child. I have no idea but God does. I am trying to find a way to be okay with this.

I am a control freak, anal as can be. I want answers (I think I need them). One of the biggest struggles in my walk with God is to believe that He does have a plan and to be okay with the unknown.

I have no idea what will come but I do know this I have God on my side. This does not mean that I will get my way (wouldn’t that be nice) but I do know God will never let go of me.

So the biggest struggle of my life as a foster mother is not how crazy my house is with three 1 and under but the fear of how my heart will handle if they go back. Regardless I am going to continue to love, hug on, and fix all those boo boos.


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