Mother’s Day Part 1

Okay I know Mother’s Day was a week ago and I meant to write a week ago, but life got in the way. Last year I celebrated Mother’s Day with the twins and with my precious baby growing in my uterus. I have fond memories of my first official mother’s day and fond memories of this year with all three of my precious children.

However I also know the pain of wanting a child so much and not being able to have one. I know of the heartache, the tears, the questioning of God, the wonder, and the jealousy. Jeremy and I struggled to conceive for 4 years. It was an extricating and painful 4 years–it is a pain I do not want to forget. I want to remember this pain so that I can empathize with others in my situation. I want to be there for them, it’s a part of my testimony. It’s a part of me, it’s a way God has shown me He is always there for me.

I wrote this on my Facebok account on April 30, 2011:

It has been one of the biggest heartbreaks and struggles of my life. A baby. A simple sentence well really a fragment of a sentence that brings pain and wishful thinking to my very being. If you have never struggled with fertility then frankly you cannot begin to understand my pain. A pain that sometimes begin to crush my very being. It is something I would never wish upon another a person…infertility. It is not the worst struggle in life, I know there is worse pain, but it is my pain. Please do no belittle my pain and heartache because it is real. I cannot begin to express the pain or the countless nights I have cried. My husband and I want a baby. We have prayed to our amazing God. We do not know God’s Will nor can anyone predict it. We have prayed and we do trust Him yet my pain is there. 

Why I am writing now? This has been on my heart for awhile and I guess this is my outlet with (hopefully) no judgement. My wonderful husband and I got married June 2007. We knew we wanted children just not yet we wanted to be married a year before we had children and we do not believe in birth control pills. After careful consideration we chose for me to have an IUD, a type of birth control. Six months down the road we felt the desire to grow our family. We got the IUD removed and tried. When we didn’t get pregnant I feared maybe the IUD did some kind of damage. I was determined to give it that old year try.

One year later still not pregnant. I began to feel as though I was less than a woman. Our dear friends would say in God’s timing or you are so young. So I didn’t go to my doctor. I became prideful and convinced oh we are young no worries. Silently every month my heart would be crushed yet I was too prideful and scared to go to the doctor.

We began trying to conceive January 2008. March 2010 we saw a fertility specialist. It took more than two years to swallow my pride and go to a doctor. Foolish I know. I was petrified it was my fault we couldn’t conceive (a fear that would cause me to sob once a month when I took a fruitless pregnancy test). I didn’t want to be less of a woman for my husband. We sat in that office and began to get tests.

April 2010 we learned every test they ran came back normal. That night I cried out to God “why are we not worthy?” I got no answer. All in God’s timing, some reason we didn’t yer understand.

This same time I learned I had a cyst, not a big deal my doctor said. Worst case scenario I would need surgery. I left that appointment and drove home in tears. I heard this song by Casting Crowns:

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down 
and wiped our tears away, 
stepped in and saved the day. 
But once again, I say amen 
and it’s still raining 
as the thunder rolls 
I barely hear You whisper through the rain, 
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls 
I raise my hands and praise 
the God who gives and takes away. 

Chorus: 
And I’ll praise you in this storm 
and I will lift my hands 
for You are who You are 
no matter where I am 
and every tear I’ve cried 
You hold in your hand 
You never left my side 
and though my heart is torn 
I will praise You in this storm 

I remember when I stumbled in the wind 
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again 
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on 
if I can’t find You 
and as the thunder rolls 
I barely hear You whisper through the rain 
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls 
I raise my hands and praise 
the God who gives and takes away 

Chorus 

I lift my eyes onto the hills 
where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth 
I lift my eyes onto the hills 
where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth 

I struggled listening to this song. My heart cried out “show me how to praise you”. Somehow God showed me how to praise Him. I was thankful we struggled with fertility so the cyst could be discovered.

Ultimately my doctor decided this wasn’t a cyst that would go away on it’s own and before I could receive fertility treatment it would have to removed. I switched counties and had to wait for health insurance. Somewhere in this time I became bitter, something I am not proud of but it was my emotion. December 2010 he officially decided surgery was my only option. He said my ovary might get damaged but he could save part of it. 

February 2011 went in for a sonogram before my surgery just to make sure it was still there. It was. Now it looked like it moved he feared he would have to take my ovary and Fallopian tube. He told me this as I was alone during a sonogram. Jer didn’t come because it was after all just a pre op appointment to sign paperwork. I think I gasped and my eyes filled with tears. How could this be happening I silently prayed where was my God?

Psalm 94:18
When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your love, O LORD, supported me.

February 21 my surgery date. At this point I cried more than I could have ever imagined. Our church family prayed over us, over me. I began to find my God again. Oh how God showed Himself to me. My cyst had grown outside of my ovary and tube…no damage done to them. Praise Jesus! My miracle was shown, countless prayers answered. When I woke up from surgery I asked about my tube and where was my husband. I was joyful to find out they were all safe and praised Jesus in that recovery room.

March 1 we eagerly went in for my post op excited for what is to come. Praying for our future. My cyst turned out to be low level malignant. My heart sank again. He had to get with the oncologist before could continue with fertility treatment.

Another derailing moment yet I knew God had a plan. On April 29 I was told I would have to get sonograms every six months for new cysts and eventually after my child rearing years I will have to have my ovaries removed because of my cancer risk.

Where does this leave me? I truly believe God is in control and has a plan for our life. I know I will start fertility treatment and God willing I will get pregnant. This song wants to burst from my very being by Aaron Shust:

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior 

I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior 

Chorus (2x’s) 
My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior’s always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

Chorus (2x’s) 

(Instrumental)

Chorus: (2x’s)

My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior loves, My Savior lives

To conclude I believe in my Savior. No longer am I bitter. My heart may ache but I truly believe my God has a plan.

Adalynn is as much of my story as is the pain of infertility. We had to wait to have an IUI even longer than what was originally thought because I had to have another surgery in November of 2011. We conceived Adalynn through an IUI on January 31, 2012. It is a day that I will never forget. So even though this post is late, I prayed fervently for the women that struggle to conceive.

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