Anxiety. Reality.

Motherhood is something I craved and wanted desperately. It took us 5 years to have a successful fertility treatment to have A. She was prayed for and longed for beyond belief. Our fertility struggles made me question my faith and trust in God. It would sting beyond words what people would say. Let me be clear motherhood is something I wanted beyond measure. 5 years and 5 kids later it is something I question my value on a daily basis. I have extreme post partum anxiety well I guess at this point it is just severe anxiety that manifests itself as anger. Motherhood of 5 young children with two who have extreme levels of neglect that still surfaces on a daily basis basically is exhausting. Some days I question what I am doing. Some days I question my sanity. Some days my anger is extreme. Everyday I know I am not this supermom that people or Facebook/Instagram make me out to be. I fail, daily. Anxiety is crippling. Motherhood is crippling. I fail daily. The tightness in my chest doesn’t leave. I am not the type of woman that can stay at home–I envy those who want it. I am the woman who craved going back to work yet will want to hold my kids once they are fast asleep. I am the woman that questions every factor of my life and I know I fail every second of the day. I am riddled with self doubt and hatred of my current mental stability. I want more of myself. I want more for my children. Somehow despite this my kids love me and I love them. Somehow my husband stands by me–trust me he should have ran a long time ago. Somedays it takes every single ounce of my energy to breathe. I fail daily. Yet somehow I move on. Actually there isn’t a yet. I just do it. I do what is necessary.

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One thought on “Anxiety. Reality.

  1. Thank you for sharing this! Trying to live a normal life with anxiety and or depression can be challenging and well frustrating! My family causes me more anxiety than anything else, which I guess is kind of sad. I have been the one everyone counts on for as long as I can remember. It is truly amazing what we can learn to deal with in life and the strength we all have, that is sometimes hidden. I started having some depression issue after my difficult childhood then as I grew older, dealing with life! I have been battling Multiple Sclerosis for 16 years now and it has had its ups and downs, but I try to hold on to my positive attitude. Personally, I deal with a lot of anxiety and pain. I started my blog 2 months ago and it has been a great experience. I have been able to communicate with so many wonderful and amazing people that really understand what I go through. I have set a goal for myself that I will achieve because I am stubborn and determined. I am going to one post every day for at least one month! I hope if you choose to follow my blog, you will enjoy! I look forward to reading more of your posts! Take care!!

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